Thursday, December 25, 2014
Today was so perfect: my pain was low, I had snuggles with my best guy, surprises for the kids, time spent talking, laughing and playing games with family, watching Christmas movies and eating gourmet corn dogs, tucking happy kids into bed and finishing off the day quietly reading in a room lit by Christmas lights.
My emotions are high as a kite; I'm filled with peace, love, thankfulness and joy. It won't last forever but I'll take it while I can get it.
Merry, Merry Christmas!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
2014 In Review
Wowzers. Where do I start?
2014 was the year I spent all summer with Kayley and Cole!
It wasn't without its challenges but I got to spend so much time with them I really felt connected to them in a way I hadn't felt since going back to work almost five years ago! Beach days, skate park days, pool days and regular park days were the best way for me to rest and keep the kids busy at the same time. I'm continuously thankful that they are old enough to look after themselves in most ways. If I had a little one I'm certain that I might die. Haha. When school started I began to feel better and I started volunteering in Cole's classroom an hour a week, which is really something I enjoy. I truly believe Cole is thriving better this year because he has matured, but also because I've been around to work on his behavior at school and home.
2014 was the year I gained two in-laws!
Welcome to the family Bailie Dawson and Tommy Heinsman! I couldn't be more thrilled for Tim and Joanna for picking a couple of awesome partners who bring them much happiness!
2014 was the year I spent all summer with Kayley and Cole!
It wasn't without its challenges but I got to spend so much time with them I really felt connected to them in a way I hadn't felt since going back to work almost five years ago! Beach days, skate park days, pool days and regular park days were the best way for me to rest and keep the kids busy at the same time. I'm continuously thankful that they are old enough to look after themselves in most ways. If I had a little one I'm certain that I might die. Haha. When school started I began to feel better and I started volunteering in Cole's classroom an hour a week, which is really something I enjoy. I truly believe Cole is thriving better this year because he has matured, but also because I've been around to work on his behavior at school and home.
2014 was the year I gained two in-laws!
Welcome to the family Bailie Dawson and Tommy Heinsman! I couldn't be more thrilled for Tim and Joanna for picking a couple of awesome partners who bring them much happiness!
2014 was the year I began to focus on me.
I guess I didn't really have a choice. I never thought I'd ever been in so much pain. I really took my health for granted before these last couple years. And my perspective has totally shifted when it comes to other people's pain as well because 8 months post surgery I'm still in pain, making this struggle a more long term one. In fact, I'm writing this at 2am because I'm in too much discomfort to sleep. Surgery was worth it to relieve my disc herniation nerve pinch and bone that was causing leg pain but I have some pretty tough nerve damage causing severe pain in my back still. I recently saw a pain management doctor who gave me a numbing shot in my leg and a hefty dose of steroid anti-inflammatories so I'm crossing my fingers I'll have some relief by Christmas.
2014 was a challenge with my job.
Anytime something in your life blows up there's usually something that takes a backseat. Physically I spent six months away from work recovering from surgery but the rest of the year I've spent most of the time absent emotionally from my job. Does the phrase "I give zero shits" ring a bell? I'm not saying this is right, but this is how I let myself become. Absorbed by pain, absent from work in my brain. Needless to say, I've been impatient with people I previously spent a lot of my energy trying hard to remain patient with. It has taken me a while to realize my attitude has consumed me but now that I realize it I'm ready for a change. My office paid a hefty price for a new office chair, a desk that moves up and down so I can work standing or sitting and a swivel stool that helps keep my feet up while I sit. They have also been very flexible with me and my schedule and very supportive of my recovery! These are such great things and I truly am thankful.
2014 was the year I learned that He is still good even if the answer is "no" or "not right now."
I have been pretty open about my struggle to remain consistent in my Bible studies on this blog. This year I have had more time to allow my studying to become a good habit. It also helps that She Reads Truth makes amazing and beautiful studies that make me want to soak up the Word! Recently i had one of those aha moments where it really hit me: If not, He is still good. If God doesn't choose to heal me now or next week or ever, He is still good! This has been a tough thing to digest. Because I want to yell at God all the cuss words and ask him why me, why the suffering?! Why the pain?! Don't you know what I've been through God?! But in all my changes, He remains the same. He never stopped being good to me. He is still the same God I put my faith and trust in when things were good. And how cool is that, guys, to have a constant in this ever changing world of ours?
2014, I'm ready for you to take a hike.
But before you go I gotta shout out to my wonderfully handsome hubs who has supported me this year and always, my dad who took the kids to school almost every day in May and June and who is the most encouraging person I know and to my wonderful mommy who spent every day she could at my house for six weeks doing laundry, cleaning and cooking for our family. Also, here's a shout out to my friends, work friends and family who have been so supportive of me, listening to me and encouraging me! You all mean more to me than you know!
Bring it on 2015!
Tyler graduates in March with his bachelors degree in project management and Kayley will start middle school (eeek!). I know it'll be a good year, regardless of what happens, because God is still good!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from The Batten Family!
I guess I didn't really have a choice. I never thought I'd ever been in so much pain. I really took my health for granted before these last couple years. And my perspective has totally shifted when it comes to other people's pain as well because 8 months post surgery I'm still in pain, making this struggle a more long term one. In fact, I'm writing this at 2am because I'm in too much discomfort to sleep. Surgery was worth it to relieve my disc herniation nerve pinch and bone that was causing leg pain but I have some pretty tough nerve damage causing severe pain in my back still. I recently saw a pain management doctor who gave me a numbing shot in my leg and a hefty dose of steroid anti-inflammatories so I'm crossing my fingers I'll have some relief by Christmas.
2014 was a challenge with my job.
Anytime something in your life blows up there's usually something that takes a backseat. Physically I spent six months away from work recovering from surgery but the rest of the year I've spent most of the time absent emotionally from my job. Does the phrase "I give zero shits" ring a bell? I'm not saying this is right, but this is how I let myself become. Absorbed by pain, absent from work in my brain. Needless to say, I've been impatient with people I previously spent a lot of my energy trying hard to remain patient with. It has taken me a while to realize my attitude has consumed me but now that I realize it I'm ready for a change. My office paid a hefty price for a new office chair, a desk that moves up and down so I can work standing or sitting and a swivel stool that helps keep my feet up while I sit. They have also been very flexible with me and my schedule and very supportive of my recovery! These are such great things and I truly am thankful.
2014 was the year I learned that He is still good even if the answer is "no" or "not right now."
I have been pretty open about my struggle to remain consistent in my Bible studies on this blog. This year I have had more time to allow my studying to become a good habit. It also helps that She Reads Truth makes amazing and beautiful studies that make me want to soak up the Word! Recently i had one of those aha moments where it really hit me: If not, He is still good. If God doesn't choose to heal me now or next week or ever, He is still good! This has been a tough thing to digest. Because I want to yell at God all the cuss words and ask him why me, why the suffering?! Why the pain?! Don't you know what I've been through God?! But in all my changes, He remains the same. He never stopped being good to me. He is still the same God I put my faith and trust in when things were good. And how cool is that, guys, to have a constant in this ever changing world of ours?
2014, I'm ready for you to take a hike.
But before you go I gotta shout out to my wonderfully handsome hubs who has supported me this year and always, my dad who took the kids to school almost every day in May and June and who is the most encouraging person I know and to my wonderful mommy who spent every day she could at my house for six weeks doing laundry, cleaning and cooking for our family. Also, here's a shout out to my friends, work friends and family who have been so supportive of me, listening to me and encouraging me! You all mean more to me than you know!
Bring it on 2015!
Tyler graduates in March with his bachelors degree in project management and Kayley will start middle school (eeek!). I know it'll be a good year, regardless of what happens, because God is still good!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from The Batten Family!
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Life at a stand still
It is so strange to sit here and have completely run out of things to do. While watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy (bye tough girl Christina Yang) it occurred to me I have a blog that hasn't had any attention in quite some time. But now that life has forced me to a complete halt, here I am.
Its my 30th year of life and what better year to have back surgery? I write with a hint of sarcasm of course. I mean, who wouldn't want to be reliant on vicodin for pain, use a grabnabber to reach anything above or below current reaching capabilities, be tuckered out from a walk around the block and rely on others to cook meals and run errands?
I've had a sore back my whole life. I fell off a bunk bed when I was eight and I just chalked all the soreness throughout my life up to normalcy because I'd never known it any other way. Apparently its not normal to have sore feet after an hour at the mall. Who knew?
In January of 2013 I was working out at the gym in a group training class. I've never done cross fit but I can equate the classes to something similar. I had spent 7 months working out, gaining muscle and feeling and looking my best. I was so cool, feeling like supermom with tons of energy, lifting 50 pound bags of dog food like a boss, working out sometimes six days a week. One day, we were doing a finisher which consisted of burpees, which I happen to love dearly, and I felt a stabbing pain in my knee and my leg that caused me to not be capable of finishing the workout. After that day, I could no longer bend my left knee without pain.
The knee pain subsided as I worked carefully to avoid the movements that caused me pain. But this meant no running, no squatting, no burpees, no lunges and pretty much everything having to do with the knee. Little by little, the pain seemed to manifest itself more in my hip and less in my knee. At this point I stopped exercising completely, which caused a not so welcome 10 pound weight gain. To be honest, I sank into a pretty big pity party and ate my heart out. But at least I didn't eat a whole Marie Callendars pie alone. Although I could have. But I digress.
My most wonderful chiropractor, whom I endearingly call Dr. Deb, finally suggested ordering an xray since there was no improvement after several months. The xray of my back turned out mostly normal with a slight compression in the lumbar region and knee turned out 100% normal (at least something about me is normal). So thanks to my bomb diggity insurance and my handy dandy medical flex plan I got my MRI done and went to see the Orthopedic surgeon.
Dr. Moelleken is the best. He has experience in both spine and nuero so I knew going in I already had the best. The MRI showed a large herniated disc compressing my spinal chord, thus causing nerve pain. He recommended an epidural shot which, $1500 later, did nothing but cause a huge flare, something they couldn't foresee. Apparently this flare happens rarely. Lucky me! After the epidural I was on twice the amount of pain killers than before.
At this point I was working 6 and sometimes 7 days a week during tax season. I ended up taking a day off work after my epidural which is just not something you do so close to April 15th. My pain killers had to be planned around my commute since they made me dizzy. Sometimes I had to leave my desk, go to the back of the office or into the bathroom and cry because the pain was so unbearable. Then I would breathe slowly, wipe my tears and finish the day. Lets just say that I feel I earned every penny of my tax season bonus this year working a lot of overtime with my body in constant suffering.
The next time I saw the doctor I was so ready to move forward that I think my eagerness puzzled him. My quality of life sucked. I had no life outside work, my kids heard "mom just needs to lay down" a lot and my relationship with Tyler was strained. Everything in my life was suffering. So I talked to Dr. Moelleken about my options and the fact was I could live in pain or have surgery. Surgery it is! That same day I had my blood work done, the next week I was cleared for surgery, and the following week I had surgery. It all happened very fast.
Surgery went well and the doc said my herniated disc was actually larger than what was shown on the MRI. Ouch.
So here I am, about a week and a half out from having surgery, feeling much better than before. I have pain from my incision and my back is sore, not to mention the part of my leg that has gone numb but I have relief from the pinched nerve! That nerve pain is not something I could ever describe to you. Its just the very, very worst. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and there are people I wish I was mean enough to wish this on!
The moral of this very long and maybe super boring story is to not fall off a bunk bed, herniate a disc, make it worse with exercise, gain weight, try an epidural and have back surgery before the age of 30. If you can mange that, I would say you're right on track!
Its my 30th year of life and what better year to have back surgery? I write with a hint of sarcasm of course. I mean, who wouldn't want to be reliant on vicodin for pain, use a grabnabber to reach anything above or below current reaching capabilities, be tuckered out from a walk around the block and rely on others to cook meals and run errands?
I've had a sore back my whole life. I fell off a bunk bed when I was eight and I just chalked all the soreness throughout my life up to normalcy because I'd never known it any other way. Apparently its not normal to have sore feet after an hour at the mall. Who knew?
In January of 2013 I was working out at the gym in a group training class. I've never done cross fit but I can equate the classes to something similar. I had spent 7 months working out, gaining muscle and feeling and looking my best. I was so cool, feeling like supermom with tons of energy, lifting 50 pound bags of dog food like a boss, working out sometimes six days a week. One day, we were doing a finisher which consisted of burpees, which I happen to love dearly, and I felt a stabbing pain in my knee and my leg that caused me to not be capable of finishing the workout. After that day, I could no longer bend my left knee without pain.
The knee pain subsided as I worked carefully to avoid the movements that caused me pain. But this meant no running, no squatting, no burpees, no lunges and pretty much everything having to do with the knee. Little by little, the pain seemed to manifest itself more in my hip and less in my knee. At this point I stopped exercising completely, which caused a not so welcome 10 pound weight gain. To be honest, I sank into a pretty big pity party and ate my heart out. But at least I didn't eat a whole Marie Callendars pie alone. Although I could have. But I digress.
My most wonderful chiropractor, whom I endearingly call Dr. Deb, finally suggested ordering an xray since there was no improvement after several months. The xray of my back turned out mostly normal with a slight compression in the lumbar region and knee turned out 100% normal (at least something about me is normal). So thanks to my bomb diggity insurance and my handy dandy medical flex plan I got my MRI done and went to see the Orthopedic surgeon.
Dr. Moelleken is the best. He has experience in both spine and nuero so I knew going in I already had the best. The MRI showed a large herniated disc compressing my spinal chord, thus causing nerve pain. He recommended an epidural shot which, $1500 later, did nothing but cause a huge flare, something they couldn't foresee. Apparently this flare happens rarely. Lucky me! After the epidural I was on twice the amount of pain killers than before.
At this point I was working 6 and sometimes 7 days a week during tax season. I ended up taking a day off work after my epidural which is just not something you do so close to April 15th. My pain killers had to be planned around my commute since they made me dizzy. Sometimes I had to leave my desk, go to the back of the office or into the bathroom and cry because the pain was so unbearable. Then I would breathe slowly, wipe my tears and finish the day. Lets just say that I feel I earned every penny of my tax season bonus this year working a lot of overtime with my body in constant suffering.
The next time I saw the doctor I was so ready to move forward that I think my eagerness puzzled him. My quality of life sucked. I had no life outside work, my kids heard "mom just needs to lay down" a lot and my relationship with Tyler was strained. Everything in my life was suffering. So I talked to Dr. Moelleken about my options and the fact was I could live in pain or have surgery. Surgery it is! That same day I had my blood work done, the next week I was cleared for surgery, and the following week I had surgery. It all happened very fast.
Surgery went well and the doc said my herniated disc was actually larger than what was shown on the MRI. Ouch.
So here I am, about a week and a half out from having surgery, feeling much better than before. I have pain from my incision and my back is sore, not to mention the part of my leg that has gone numb but I have relief from the pinched nerve! That nerve pain is not something I could ever describe to you. Its just the very, very worst. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and there are people I wish I was mean enough to wish this on!
The moral of this very long and maybe super boring story is to not fall off a bunk bed, herniate a disc, make it worse with exercise, gain weight, try an epidural and have back surgery before the age of 30. If you can mange that, I would say you're right on track!
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